Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mission Possible

A lot has happened to me in the last few months. Well, since August 4, 2009. That's the day my step-father, Jack, passed away. I blogged on a military spouse site all my heart aching pain. All the things I should have said. All the things I did say. All the things I felt, said, and heard. All the waking nights, I tearfully blogged until I got through the moment.

Then the grief started taking over my life. I started to forget things. Simple things. Like what I was doing or saying. My kids started to get away with just about anything short of murder. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't able to concentrate on anything. I couldn't even say the words outloud for fear that I'd break down. I questioned my faith. I questioned life in general. I was so deep inside myself that I got lost. I was just there...going through the motions...getting through each day...putting one foot in front of the other. I wasn't living my life.

My husband and I had a talk last week. More like, I did the talking. He did the listening. Which is fine, I needed to be heard. I had to tell someone. I had to let him know that this is not the life I want to live. I want to do more than just exist. I want...no I need...to experience things. Good things. Bad things. I need to feel alive.

It's more than just needing a purpose in life. I don't want to look back in ten, twenty, or even fifty years and wonder where my life went. I don't want to sit back and watch it go by without me. I need to live every.single.day as if it's my last glorious day on this earth. I cannot put off anything until tomorrow. I must do it today. I must accomplish my goals. I must be the best damn person I know how to be. I am more than just a Navy wife and a mom. I want to take up my passion for photography. I don't care if I don't make any money from it. I love it. I'm good at it. And I enjoy it. Why not?! I want to go on family vacations. I want to cherish the moments of my children's youth, rather than looking forward to the next age or stage or milestone. I need to do more than sit in my house. I need to feel alive. I want to experience everything I can...now.

And so, that's what this blog is about...living my life...Mission Possible..

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