Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fairytales, Prince Charming, and a Power Suit!

Perhaps I've watched one too many Disney movies with Miss Nyla. Maybe, I missed out on the girliness that was not me until I had a daughter. Instead of running around in Tinkerbell costumes and tiaras, I wore ripped jeans and flannels. Instead of staying inside playing with Barbies and babies, I was out and about discovering what this earth had to offer us: grasshoppers, tadpoles, frogs, rocks, fossils, leaves, sticks, and oh yes, dirt. Maybe, I've been at home too long that I've lost sight of what the "real world" really is.
But, maybe, just maybe, I've finally figured out what I want in life. Finally, at 33 almost 34 years old, I have had that epiphany that will forever change my life. Perhaps, I've known all along, but have been too unselfish to voice it. Well here I am. I'm voicing it.


There, I've said it. I want it all. I want everything. That's what I want out of life: everything.
For many that could mean a plethora of things and/or ideas. Some may think wanting it all could mean the house, the yard, the 2.5 kids, the career, the status, the car, the clothes, etc., etc. For me, it's not any of that.
As a military spouse and stay at home mom, I've always felt that I was doing right by my husband and my children, but somehow, someway, I wasn't doing right by myself. And I though that perhaps, if I did right by myself, that I wouldn't do right by my family.
While looking at colleges now that my Miss Nyla will be venturing off to Kindergarten next year, I become frustrated because everything I want to be doesn't allow me to the be ever-available mother that I have been for the last 12 years. It doesn't allow me the normal nine-to-five hours. It doesn't allow me to be the parent who picks up the slack for a deploying better half. It doesn't allow me the still avidly check my email for any news from my deployed spouse. It doesn't allow for us to keep our one vehicle.
But what does it allow? It allows for me a career, something that has always been near and dear to my heart since I was a little girl. I didn't want to grow up to be a princess or a queen. No, I wanted to be a career woman. And, up until the lovebug bit me in 1997, I was on that path.
I know what you're thinking: single women have been doing that for years. That working moms do this all the time. That women have been out of the kitchen and in the books since the sixties. But you forget. I said, "I want it all."
I'm tired of settling. Settling in life. Not just in my career and parenting choices. I'm done settling in my lifestyle, in my marriage, in my life. I'm tired of saying, "I can't because...(I don't have a babysitter, my husband's deploying, money is tight this week, Aden's grounded, Nyla doesn't behave well in public, Jonas can't control his excitement, that means I have to get dressed today)." Well you know what, I can. And I will. Yes, I'll go to this event. And YES, I'll volunteer for that. Absolutely, I can do (insert whatever is asked here). I've made excuses for so long over why I cannot do things that it's just natural for me to decline. Getting out of my shell is what I need. I used to be this outgoing social butterfly. I've grown into this recluse.
I want my husband to sweep me off my feet...everyday. I want to not just know that I am loved, desired, and irreplaceable. I want to feel it. No. I need to feel it. I don't want to waste my life going through the motions. I don't want to be too wrapped up in kids, school, pets, cleaning, laundry, and day to day activities that it takes a special occassion like deployment or homecoming for him to make me feel what I need to feel EVERYday. Don't get me wrong. Jeff is a wonderful husband. He cooks, he cleans. Hey, he even does windows and laundry. He's a fantastic father, I couldn't have asked for better. He'll do anything I ask of him. But I want to do the laundry and have him play the part of Prince Charming.  I'm not saying I want flowers and jewelry and spoiled each and every day of my life. I am saying that I want him to hold me when I push him away. I want him to fight to hang on to me when I need it rather than letting me be. I don't want to have to ask for it. I want him to know me so well that he just does it. I want to be the housekeeper and him the big, strong man who comes home, sweeps me off my feet, and plants the passionate kiss that make tweens swoon. I need passion in my life.
I want it all. And Why can't I? Where is it in the rules that says I cannot? Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Why can't I be the mom, wife, volunteer, bread winner, best friend, counselor, shoulder, domestic goddess, and overall super woman? I can be. And I will be.
My life will be over in a flash of light and what will I have left behind? What will I have experienced? What will I have taught my children? What kind of wife will I have been? What kind of life will I have lead? Life, is way too short to not have it all. When my time comes and death is knocking (or breaking down) my door, I want to smile and be able to say, "It's time." It's time for me to go. I've accomplished everything in life I wanted and I've led the life I wanted.

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