Saturday, March 13, 2010

Deployment Jitters

So deployment is looking closer and closer. I'm more afraid this deployment than the five we've already gone through. Why? I have no idea. I guess it's the fact that last deployment I thought I had a support system but when I needed someone, there was ... no one.
Two years ago, my world came crashing down around me. I'd call to talk to my mom but she was in her own crisis taking care of Jack. I'd call to talk to my dad, but there was always drama there and it felt as if no one was hearing me. My friends, pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. The only ones that bothered to come over, call or what have you, seemed to be full of drama.
And so, I became reclusive. I failed to really connect with anyone because I didn't want to. I failed to let anyone really in. The people I met during that time didn't really get to know who I really was. They met the frail, pathetic, stressed-the-fuck-out me.  I had to wipe my plate clean, so to speak, and start anew. I had to focus on what mattered most to me: my kids, my husband, and myself. I did a lot of soul searching.
There were times I had no choice but to take my children with me to the ER. The ER nurse looked at me and said, "Is there someone you can call to take your children while you are being seen?" Uh no. There isn't. It's just me, myself and I and all three of us has borderline pneumonia so can we hurry it up some before my children grow bored and tear this hospital apart?
I fear, I suppose, that I will end up in the same situation as before: alone, stressed, and looking fifty years older by the time he returns.
This mission is more dangerous than the others. This, worries me. I've always held on to the fact that my husband is Navy and he's better off on a boat than on the ground. But, it some sense he isn't. And with this mission, yeah....not so much. I am very fearful for his life and his safety.
These short couple of weeks here, few weeks there workups he's been doing has really torn our family a bit. The boys are much older now, which doesn't make it any easier at all. Nyla understands somewhat, but the other day she said, "Daddy goes away because of us." I grabbed her up and told her that was not so. I held her close and told her that it's just his job, that he loves us and he loves her so very much. I cried when I told Jeff later that night. To Aden, Jeff is like this monumental figure that deserves his own holiday. He's high on this pedastal in Aden's eyes. The boy wants to be just like him one day. I'll ask if he's ok, and he'll just stand up straight, careful not to look into my eyes, and say he's just fine. Jonas, is a bit more difficult. Anyone can see the emotional struggle on his face, yet he won't voice it and he buttons those lips tight.
Just thinking of last deployment, the conversations we've had with the kids about the upcoming deployment, the ache in my soul feels as if my heart is going to leap out of my chest.
Anyone who reads this must know this: I am not one to whine about deployments and woe is me, my husband is military. That is not me at all. This blog, it serves as my outlet. Sometimes it's much easier to write than to voice it outloud. I know single parents, and thousands of military spouses go through this and much worse. Perhaps I'm only spoiled in the fact that I do have my husband home so much. Perhaps I'm a bit selfish in wanting a "normal" life, whatever that is.

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